My Great Treasure

Would you like to see one of my most treasured pictures of all?



This is Grandma and Grandpa Skaggs with two-week-old baby Hallie.

In early 2006, doctors discovered a large tumor in my grandfather's bladder. In June of that year, he went in to have the tumor removed. After several hours, the doctors reported that Grandpa was recovering but that they did not remove the tumor. It was too large and it would have been unsafe. When my Mom gave me that phone call my life changed forever. I knew it meant Grandpa's time on earth was very limited. I can recall vividly the grief I felt that day. I remember what it felt like to be six months pregnant and to ball up in a fetal position on the couch just sobbing. It was one of the hardest days of my life.

One week later, I flew from Idaho to California and visited Grandpa who was recovering from surgery in the hospital. The things I most remember from that visit are 1.) how many times he told me I looked beautiful, 2.) how many times he asked other people "Doesn't Michelle look beautiful?" 3.) How proud he was that I was awarded a full-paid scholarship for my last semester of college 4.) How he asked other people if they had heard about my scholarship 5.) his frail shoulders under his hospital gown 6.) and what an honor it was to spoon ice chips into his mouth.

The summer progressed and so did my pregnancy. I couldn't attend our family reunion that August because I was too pregnant to travel that far. On September 21, our little Hallie was born. The following day was the last day my Grandpa climbed the stairs in his home. He made the journey upstairs to add Hallie Laine's name to our family history files. My parents informed me that his health was rapidly declining and encouraged me to visit when possible. At first, we were planning to come down for Thanksgiving. But Chris and I felt strongly that we needed to fly home right away. That was one of the best decisions we've ever made. Hallie was just two weeks old when she took her first plane ride.

The treasured picture is from Hallie's baby blessing. Our family gathered in my grandparent's living room. In a standard baby blessing, men stand in a circle and hold the baby. But in this case, dining room chairs were placed in a circle and the men sat to accommodate Grandpa in his wheel chair.

The last day I saw my grandfather was that Monday. We chatted in the living room as he sat as comfortably as possible in a wing back chair. After a time, he grew weary and retired to the bedroom. I didn't know if he would sleep right away and I didn't know if I could see him before he left, so I stood up and gave him a quick hug. As I pulled away from the hug I could tell he was in pain. The cancer by that time was deep in his leg bone. Yet he didn't utter a word of complaint and did everything to hide it from his face.

Several minutes later, when Grandpa was settled in his bed, he called for our little family. Chris and I scooted into the room with Hallie in her infant seat. We spent twenty minutes engaging in the most beautiful dialogue. I told Grandpa that he was one of my best friends. I told him I would miss him for my entire life. I told him what an honor it was to grow up so close to him and to sit next to him in church and hold his hand. He told me that he wished Grandma was in the room to hear all those beautiful things because they were even more beautiful when shared with a spouse. I told him how thankful I was that he wrote such a beautifully detailed autobiography-- that some nights I stayed up late reading it because it was like I could hear his voice across the miles. He told me how much he loved me and how proud he was of me and he said beautiful things about Chris. He loved Chris. I kissed him and hugged him continuously. I left the room feeling refreshed. I knew it was the last time I would see him. And even though it was much too soon, I had closure. He was still lucid and bright, loving and dignified. And he stayed that way until the last breath.

Several weeks later, I called him on a Thursday night. His voice was cracked and hoarse. But I got to tell him I loved him and how much I loved being a mother. And he told me he loved me. Friday night he drifted into an unconscious state and on Sunday morning we received the call. That was three years ago yesterday.

When we received Hallie's first birthday card from Grandma Skaggs it said "Happy Birthday Hallie! I am so happy Grandpa got to meet you!" I cried with both sadness and joy.

And here we are three years later. At first, I would think of him and cry. It wasn't just tender-- it was a gaping, aching wound kind of tender. Now, I still feel sadness but it is much easier. More than any other feeling, I feel gratitude. How was I so lucky to be born in to such a family? How was I so privileged to get such wonderful grandparents? How was I so lucky to have them at every high school performance? How was I so lucky to get a good farewell with him-- to say everything I needed to say? How am I so blessed to know that he will be my grandfather forever and that I will see him again someday. What a gift.

Hallie just saw me crying and asked what's wrong. I told her I was thinking of my grandpa. She gently stroked my arm and said in a slow, tender way "Oh Mom, do you miss your grandpa?" Grandpa would have loved that.